How Long Does Forever Last?
by Stephie8
Summary: How do you walk away from your dreams? How do you look into the eyes of the woman who means more to you than life itself and tell her it's time to leave her?. . .You don't.


Title: How Long Does Forever Last?  
Author: Stephie8  
E-Mail: stephie_8@hotmail.com   
Rating: PG-13   
Spoilers:all of Season Eight and Nothing Important Happened Today I, II  
Classification: MSR, angst  
Disclaimer: The X-Files and all related characters belong to Chris  
Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Productions. How Do I Live is property of its respected owners. No infringement is intended.  
Archiving: Anywhere!! Please let me know so I can tell all my  
friends!!  
Feedback: Please!! Send any constructive criticism to  
stephie_8@hotmail.com . Send any flames to whocares@notme.com  
Author's Notes: T'was the night before finals and the diligent student abandons her books for her muse. Well, at least I am doing something productive. This as always is dedicated to Eme, who has been there for me whenever I needed a friend or a laugh.   
I am watching Season Nine and I am actually enjoying what I see, but I will always be a shipper at heart. This is just my little spin on one of many missing scenes. Enjoy!  
  
Summary: How do you walk away from your dreams? How do you look into the eyes of the woman who means more to you than life itself and tell her it's time to leave her?. . .You don't.  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:  
  
How do I live without you   
I want to know   
How do I breathe without you   
If you ever go   
How do I ever, ever survive   
How do I, how do I   
Oh how do I live   
  
~ How Do I Live- Trisha Yearwood, LeAnn Rimes   
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:  
  
Putting William down to sleep, my eyes gaze up at the closed door. William's soft whimpers begin to fade and the only sound that remains in the small apartment is the gentle splashing of water on tile.  
  
I slowly walk into the living room, passing the large suitcases, which lie carefully stacked against one another on the floor. It's amazing how a life can easily be stored inside two carefully packed suitcases and one small duffle bag.   
  
These suitcases are literally all that remains of the man in my shower. The man whose life has become so deeply entwined with mine that it is impossible to see where mine begins and his ends.  
  
For the first time in over forty-eight hours, reality hits me like an unseen force. I fall back to the couch and I can't stop the sobs, which escape my lips. I am no longer in control of my emotions. I am no longer in control of my life.  
  
Strangely enough, I don't think I have been in control for last eight years. My life, my emotions, my heart hasn't been mine since the day I walked into that dark basement office and agreed to stand beside a man I barely knew. I decided then to help him find the truth and in the process I gave up, almost willingly, the right to control my life.  
  
It was never supposed to be like this. Good always prevails in the face of evil, at least that is what we are taught as young children, growing up in an uncertain world. Those who sacrifice are repaid in happiness.   
  
What happened to our happiness? Have we not sacrificed enough?  
  
Our lives have been in their control for years and for the first time we want to break free. The moment we want to leave this life and this persistent quest for the truth to begin our happiness and future, we are told no.   
  
My god. This is what they have always wanted. The past eight years those shadowy men have done everything in their power to get us to walk away and abandon our quest. The time finally comes, when we are willing to throw in the towel and suddenly it's in the best interest of their godforsaken project that we stay. We continue to fight the fight. We continue to stay in the car and drive blind into the future.  
  
It was never supposed to be like this. I grip the pillow firmly in my arms and continue to sob, oblivious to the sound of the water cutting off and the bathroom door opening.  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:  
  
The water is the only thing keeping me grounded to this reality.   
  
I have always envisioned myself as a rock, able to withstand anything. Countless hospital trips, and nearly three months spent in a casket will do that to a man. However, sitting on that park bench yesterday morning, listening to that scumbag Kersh tells me the detailed bounty for my head, I realize that even rocks can break.  
  
I have finally been given the one chance I always dreamed of, my one chance at happiness. I have a beautiful woman at home holding our beautiful son and no bounty or death threat is going to take that away from me. I will persevere and these shadowy men will meet their demise. After all, good always prevails over evil, right?  
  
I leave the bench and return into the arms of my loving family. But, Kersh's words still remain in my mind.  
  
"They will kill you. If not your body than most certainly your spirit. As you and I both know there are many ways to kill a man."  
  
Will they really try to hurt Scully or William? I know that there will always be a threat to our safety, but we told them we would walk away. We told them we would abandon the quest. We are giving them exactly what they want, why weren't they letting us leave.  
  
That afternoon I tell Scully what happened. Deep inside my heart I know that she will help me understand. She will tell me I am overreacting and that Kersh is just playing into our fears.  
  
Her face suddenly gets very pale and I swear she is just about to pass out on the couch. She turns away for a brief moment and when she turns back to face me all of the happiness and joy is drained from her eyes. Her only response still continues to echo in my head.  
  
"You have to leave."  
  
The rest of the day is spent making up plans for my escape. My bags are packed and the plans are set. With William in my arms the entire time, we eat a small dinner together, what is supposed to be the first of many with our son.   
  
Why is fate always so cruel? Why do we always end up sacrificing our happiness for the truth?  
  
I shut off the water and reality hits me in the face as I hear the faint sounds of sobs in the living room. I dry off and quickly pull on my clothes. I carefully open the door and the sight that appears before me brings tears to my own eyes.  
  
Scully is sitting on the couch and she is desperately clutching the tiny throw pillow as though it is the only thing tying her down to the Earth.   
  
What have we done?  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:  
Our lives were never supposed to end up like this. We are supposed to be excited new parents ready to show our child everything life has to offer.  
  
Are we doing the right thing? Is this just another plot to separate Mulder and me? Is there any proof behind these threats?  
  
This is not happening.   
  
I suddenly look up from the pillow to see Mulder standing in the hallway. His eyes are glassy with unshed tears and his damp hair is the only remains of his final shower in my home. We look at each other and we both are hit with effect of the decisions we have made.   
  
I stand up and he quickly covers the distance to wrap his strong arms around my tired body. I put my arms around his waist and my head finds its familiar resting place on his chest. I can't stop the tears which continue to flow from my eyes. I breathe in his fresh scent in a vain attempt to calm my tears, all the while hearing the soft sobs escape his lips. His hands are in my hair and I feel the warm tears fall on my neck.   
  
What ever happened to our happiness? Where is the laughter that we used to share?  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
I can't let go of her. If I do, I'm afraid I will fall into the dark abyss forever. My hands are laced in her hair and tears continue to flow from my eyes.  
  
We stand there for what seems like hours. We are crying for our losses, for the sacrifices that we have made and the new ones we are making now. We cry for the precious moments taken away from us and the ones we were able to share together. But most of all we cry for the tiny baby lying in the next room, who I will never be able to see after today.  
  
Why are we doing this?  
  
Scully's sobs begin to die down and my eyes have run out of tears to shed. I slowly lift her face to mine and place the faintest of kisses upon her lips. Her eyes are red and puffy and I know that mine look just the same.   
  
I want to say something. I want to give her some piece of mind. I want her to know that this will all turn out okay in the end, but I can't lie to her. I know how this tragedy will play out. We are dealing with false truths and with men who deal only in lies. No matter what we do, we will never truly guarantee William's safety.  
  
"Scully . . . we . . . we have to understand that this won't be permanent. I am not leaving you. I would never leave you."  
  
My god, what have we done?  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
His eyes are red and his face has aged so much in the past few days. I lift my hand to caress his freshly shaven face.   
  
"I know that, Mulder. I know you would never leave us." I gaze up into his eyes. The golden specks are covered by a sad green. "Look at us, Mulder. What has happened to us?"  
  
He continues to caress my hair. He looks so sad, so lost. I can't imagine what feelings have been flowing through his heart these last few days. His lips part and I can barely hear the soft words that flow off his tongue. "I love you, so much, Scully."  
  
I feel as though a knife has been struck deep into my heart and it is being turned ever so slowly. Tears begin to fall from my eyes and Mulder brings his lips to mine.  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
For years I always dreamed of kissing Scully. What man alive wouldn't? She always wore just the right shade of red lipstick. It was just the right blend of teenage innocence and adult provocativeness. When we shared our first real kiss that fate New Year's Eve, I was given a taste of heaven. If kissing Scully was a drug, I was an addict.   
  
Standing here now, knowing that every kiss is leading to the inevitable good-bye I try to savor this last flavor of my drug. There is no guarantee when I'll be able to get another hit.   
  
Why am I leaving? Why are we doing this to ourselves?  
  
When we finally break the kiss, I lead Scully to the couch. I sit down and pull her into my lap. She rests her head in the nook of my neck. Her tears are slowly fading.   
  
"Why do we continuously do this to ourselves, Scully? Why?"  
  
She slowly lifts her head and looks into my eyes, straight into my soul. "I don't know, Mulder. It may be the only way to protect William and you."  
  
"What if it isn't?" I gently counter. "Then what happens?"   
  
"I don't know. God, I wish I knew," she brings her head back to my neck. I rub small circles against her back with my hand. "Mulder, I could never live with myself unless I knew you were both safe. I can't lose William and God help me, but I won't lose you."  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
I remember that night I came back from the clinic after the last in vitro failed and I had given up on the possibility of ever having children. On the way home I felt so alone. The only thought that ran through my head was: How could I tell Mulder? I walked up the stairs to my apartment going through a mental checklist of the things I could say to him. When I unlocked the door and saw him laying on my couch, my whole world began to crash down around my feet.  
  
He held me so close and he kept the pieces together. Somehow we managed to survive and like all of the obstacles we had faced before, this only made us stronger. We became lovers soon after that and in the process we created life.   
  
It's kind of ironic that what science failed to do, we did on our own. The sleeping baby in the next room is proof that miracles do happen.  
  
Yet, nothing is free and this miracle is going to cost us our family.  
  
I love both of these guys with all my heart and I have lived life without either of them before, but I'm not sure I could do that again. I know last night I told Mulder the only way to survive and to protect William was for him to leave, but if he leaves who is going to protect me. I don't want to do this alone. I don't even know if I can.  
  
"Scully . . . are you sure this is what we want to do?" His eyes are so lost. He is so unsure. I think it would be easier for him to leave if he was sure he was doing the right the thing. I know it would be easier for me.  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
How do you walk away from your dreams? How do you look into the eyes of the woman who means more to you than life itself and tell her it's time to leave her?  
  
You don't.  
  
Like the coward I am I do the next logical thing, I ask her if this is really the right thing to do. I am hoping with every last ounce of my being that she will look me in the eyes and tell me to stay.   
  
One simple word is all it takes to keep me here. One word and I would never leave. One single command and once again I can return to my dream. One word.  
  
Her eyes are pooling with tears and I can clearly see the inner war which is raging through her mind. I know the competitors Fear and Love. Together they can make the strongest person fall to their knees and beg for death.  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
I can see in his eyes that he wants me to tell him to stay. One simple word and this nightmare will be over with.  
  
But what if it's the wrong decision. What if I say stay and he is murdered the next day? What if I say stay and William is taken away? How could I survive?  
  
The choice is clear. Choose one life to save another. We all hold a life in our hands. Mulder and I hold William's. Can we really risk his life for our pleasure?  
  
The choice becomes clearer. Will forever last for very long?  
  
I find Mulder's hand and place a tender kiss on his palm before pulling it to my chest. "We . . . can't take the risk. What if they're right?"  
  
His eyes look as if his soul has just been crushed. He looks at me and tears are once again freely falling from his eyes. "What if they're wrong? What if this is exactly what they want?"  
  
"Mulder," I stand up and he soon follows.  
  
"No, Scully. This is exactly what they want. I leave and you and William are left unprotected. They divide and conquer." He soon moves away from the couch.  
  
"Mulder, we knew this could happen. We have to stay with the plan and pray it will all come together in the end." His back is to me and I can tell from his posture that he is fighting his anger.  
  
Quickly he turns, "You talk about how much it would hurt if you lose me or Will, but did you ever think that in the end of this plan I come out with nothing and no one?" His eyes flash with anger, yet his heart is filled with tears. "If I lose you, I have nobody. Right now, you and Will are my only family. You are my life, Scully."   
  
He wipes the tears from his eyes and brings his hands to cup my face. "I would rather be killed after waking up with you every morning, than to suffer a life safe and free without you in my arms."  
  
Suddenly, I realize that maybe we aren't doing the right thing.  
  
"Mulder . . . " I sigh. "Lets give it four months. We both know that this threat is real and we would be stupid to ignore it." Once again his eyes look saddened. He looks to the floor. I know he is crushed, but we can't ignore evidence.  
  
I pull his head into my hands and force his eyes upward, so that we are looking into each other's eyes. "Four months is not forever. We will wait and see. If nothing happens, you can come back. Think of it as a vacation, a spiritual journey." He gives me a small smile.   
  
Questions began to fill his eyes. "Will I be able to contact you?"  
  
"Of course. We'll get the Gunmen to set up a secure method of contact." His eyes brighten just a little. "Mulder, we will get through this. We always do."  
  
"For once, Scully I hope you're right." He pulls his lips to mine and my arms snake around his neck. I am clinging to him, hoping that together we can find enough strength to pull through this.  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
I don't want this to be real.   
  
Scully's right, though, four months isn't that long. It'll give me the chance to find us a nice, safe place to live. Only four more months in this damn car and we will finally be able to pull over and get the hell out.  
  
This is the home stretch and nothing is going to stop me from crossing the finish line with Scully and Will in my arms, nothing.  
  
After a few more minutes of Scully's tired body in my arms, I realize that it is past time for me to leave.  
  
"Scully," I begin as I lift her head off my shoulder. "Scully, it's time, now. My train leaves in an hour and I still have to fight traffic." I can tell that she still isn't ready to say good-bye, but neither am I. So, I just enjoy these last stolen moments.  
  
Suddenly, an idea pops into my head, and I know the best way to end this chapter of our lives on a high note. I give Scully the softest of kisses and I lean into her ear.  
  
"Scully, I . . . will you marry me? I love you so much and I think I'll be able to handle this 'vacation' a little easier knowing I'll have a beautiful fiancee waiting for me back home and . . ."   
  
My rambling is suddenly cut off by a fierce fiery kiss. When Scully pulls away, her eyes are bright with tears.   
  
"Oh Mulder . . . yes, I would love to marry you." She is smiling and I know that I must have this really stupid look on my face, because right now she has just made me the happiest man alive. "Just come back to me alive. You are not getting out of this promise."  
  
"I wouldn't dare think of doing otherwise." We kiss once again and I turn to gather my luggage. Knowing that this would only be a small vacation and I would soon return my beautiful fiancee and son.  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
He throws the duffle bag over his shoulder and grabs the two large suitcases. I open the door and he turns to give me one last good-bye kiss. I stop him mid-kiss and his face is full of shock.   
  
"We forgot someone." I rush back to the bedroom and carefully pull William into my arms. I walk back into the living room. Mulder meets me halfway grabbing our precious son and placing tiny kisses on his head. Tears flood, Mulder's eyes as he hands me our son. We embrace once more.  
  
"I love you," he whispers.  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
"Remember, Scully this is not good-bye. This will never be good-bye."  
  
"I know, call me as soon as it's safe. Let me know you're ok."  
  
"I will."   
  
With that he turns and slowly walks out the tiny apartment. In the distance I can feel my world shattering. Tears run down my face and I hold William closer to my chest. He is quietly sleeping, oblivious to my pain, but everything will be okay. I have to be strong for him and I have to be strong for Mulder.  
  
William and I walk over to the window and I say a silent prayer for Mulder as he gets into the taxi and rides off into the sunset.  
  
.:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:..:~:.  
  
The End. 


End file.
